The research-backed reasons you’re stuck being “that person” and 12 questions tho help you change it.
Key Takeaways
- Identity change isn’t about willpower or logic. It’s about understanding the psychological factors that make certain roles “sticky”
- Dr. Helen Ebaugh’s research identifies 12 specific factors that determine how hard (or easy) it is to leave an identity behind
- The size, duration, and social visibility of your role all impact how challenging the change will be
- Having clear alternatives and supportive people makes identity shifts significantly more achievable
You know you want to stop emotionally eating. But it’s not just about the behavior; it’s about no longer being “the person who spirals after a hard day.”
The gap between who you are and who you want to become feels impossibly wide. And here’s what nobody tells you (probably because they don’t know): Changing your identity isn’t intuitive or obvious.
“Common sense” says it’s about being logical and doing what you know. But this drastically underestimates how complex your brain—and your humanity—actually is.
What Makes Identity Change So Complex?
Identity change is hard, especially if your actions have been reinforcing it for months or years. The more we practice thought and behavior patterns, the stronger they become. They literally become part of our neural wiring.
It’s not just about stopping a behavior. It’s about:
- “I want to feel like I have a handle on it when I’m upset”
- “I want to be the kind of person who relies on healthier ways to cope”
- “I want to trust myself around food, even on my worst days”
These aren’t behavior changes. They’re identity shifts. And psychological research has been able to tease out exactly what makes these shifts hard, but also possible.
At Hard House, we see clients struggle with this identity piece just as much as they do behavior change. That’s why understanding the psychology behind it matters so much.
The Science of “Role Exit”: Why Some Changes Stick and Others Don’t
Dr. Helen Ebaugh’s research on “role exit” tells us that leaving behind any part of your identity has a predictable pattern. She identified specific factors that determine whether you’ll successfully transition from your old self to your new one.
The surprising part? It starts with awareness, not action.
Understanding these factors helps explain why your past attempts at change might have failed, and more importantly, what needs to be different this time.
12 Questions That Reveal How Hard Your Identity Change Will Be
Dr. Ebaugh shares which factors that shape how challenging it is to stop being that person. Take your time with each question; your answers reveal more than you might think.
1. How big is this “role” in your life?
Is it a major part of your identity? Does it define you? (Being “the bigger friend,” the “fun one at parties,” or “the stress eater”)
2. How long have you been doing it?
The longer it’s been “who you are,” the stickier it feels to let go. Years of reinforcement create deeper grooves.
3. Are you choosing to leave this identity behind, or do you feel forced to?
It’s one thing to choose to leave behind the label “couch potato.” It’s another if your doctor says you need to exercise or else.
4. Can the role exit be reversed?
With a career-ending injury, you can’t go back to peak performance. But “all-or-nothing thinker” is something you can fall back into. This determines what kind of strategies and duration of support you need.
5. Is this your first identity shift, or are you comfortable with reinvention?
Some people have done this before. For others, it’s their first real identity change—and that unfamiliarity adds difficulty.
6. Have you started picturing what’s next?
You know what you want to stop, but do you know who you want to become? Or is it still a mystery?
7. Do you have realistic options for what to become instead?
Change is harder when you think the alternative is farfetched, like “I’m going to become the disciplined 5am runner starting Monday.”
8. Do you have people who get it?
Support matters. When your social circle normalizes the new identity you’re building, success becomes significantly more likely.
9. How ‘public’ is this part of your identity?
Letting go of something everyone knows you for creates additional social pressure and complexity.
10. Does the timing feel right?
Some role exits feel overdue. Others need more time in the discomfort before you’re truly ready to change.
11. Will people accept the change? Is it multiple exits at once?
Leaving a role is easier when the new one is embraced by others. But if changing one thing (like being “the social drinker”) means losing your social role entirely, the change becomes exponentially harder.
12. Does the old version still hang around in your head?
Even after you start bridging the gap between who you are today and your future self, parts of the old identity can echo in how you think, act, or talk about yourself.
What Your Answers Mean (And What to Do Next)
If you found yourself answering “yes” to questions about the role being central to your identity, long-standing, and highly visible, you’re looking at a more challenging transition. This doesn’t mean impossible; it means you need more support and a different strategy than someone making a smaller shift.
The questions that revealed the biggest challenges also point to your solutions:
- No clear alternative identity? Start by exploring what’s possible, not perfect
- Lack of supportive people? Seek communities where your new identity is normal
- Forced change rather than chosen? Work on finding your own reasons alongside the external ones
- Old identity echoing? Expect this and have strategies ready for when it happens
This kind of deep identity work is exactly what we address in Hard House coaching. Our intake process screens for these patterns because we know that lasting change requires addressing the identity piece, not just the behaviors.
The Truth About Sustainable Change
Information alone doesn’t create transformation. Reading about push-ups doesn’t replace doing push-ups. The real work happens in:
- Sitting with these questions when you’ve answered them honestly
- Recognizing which things are working against you
- Building strategies that address your personal challenges
- Getting support for the parts you can’t do alone
Identity change isn’t about being stronger or more disciplined than you’ve been before. It’s about understanding the psychological factors at play and working with them,
Your Next Steps
- Answer all 12 questions thoroughly: write them out, don’t just think about them
- Identify your top 3 challenges based on your answers
- Choose one small identity shift to practice this week (define “a way of being” – how do they think, feel, and behave?)
- Share your insights with someone who can support you
If you recognized yourself in multiple challenging factors and feel overwhelmed with trying to do this alone, this is exactly the kind of work we do at Hard House. We help people navigate these identity shifts with the right balance of support and accountability.
Ready to explore working together? We review applications every Monday morning. Apply here to meet with a Hard House coach and see if we’re the right fit for your identity transformation (no pressure to say yes).
Remember: The gap between who you are and who you want to become isn’t closed through willpower. It’s bridged through understanding, strategy, and the right support.
